Ferrigno Thighs

Runner’s Log 4/21/2018

👟My thighs are at the Lou-Ferrigno-Hulk-busting-through-his-clothes-point. (If you don’t get that reference, I’m not sure we can be friends.)

👟I’ve decided I will not longer call it “winter weight”. From this point on, the pounds that I accrue during winter will be known as my “winter coat”. Animals grow a winter coat to keep them warm. I do the same. When I’m ready, I will doff said coat.

👟I have two layers on, it’s in the 50’s outside, and my butt is still cold. Wait a second… because my butt is always cold, it can’t get to the “burn” stage of weight-loss. Mind. Blown.

👟Mile two is a really crappy time to realize your favorite playlist has mysteriously been erased from your phone.

👟Pushing yourself to run after you eat A LOT of beans and rice and corn tortillas and lettuce and tomatoes and salsa is not necessarily wise.

👟On the flip side, burping up beans and rice and corn tortillas and lettuce and tomatoes and salsa isn’t really all that unpleasant.

👟You know what? I’m 40ish. If I don’t want to run against a cold wind or uphill, I don’t have to. (Channeling my inner Stuart Smalley…) I mean, I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. Right? (Enter all your praise and admiration for me here.)


The Itch Is Back

Runner’s Log 4/8/2018

👟Wisconsin where a peaceful Sunday walk requires a base layer, fleece lined hooded jacket, fluorescent hooded vest, wearing both hoods in addition to a fleece headband/earcover, and gloves.

👟Why, when something is considered easy, do we call it gravy, like it’s a compliment? Gravy is gross. It’s basically meat sweat.

👟Winter weight sucks. My arms are so flappy I’m pretty sure I could skydive without a parachute. All I’d need to do is stretch my arms out wide and let the wind catch them so I could coast to the ground.

👟Apparently, I needed one more layer on my arms. I can’t feel my biceps. Either they are frozen, have completely frozen off, or the repetitive motion of fat rubbing on fleece has removed all excess.

👟I think my phone may be smarter than me. I’m a half mile away from home and it just shut off because it got too cold.

👟Oh. Good news. My arms have not completely frozen off. Bad news all the flappiness is still there and I know this because it feels like 1000 parademons are sharpening their teeth on my flesh.

👟Gotta love a peaceful Sunday stroll!

👟Happy Sunday, everyone!


Down to the Gnatty Gritty

Runner’s Log 8/31/2017

👟 Forgive me. It has been 24 days since my last submission. (I ran. I just haven’t written.)

👟 Do you ever have those days where you just feel full of energy?! ….yeah, me neither.

👟 Am I the only one who thinks it’s interesting that the word “gnat” sounds exactly like the sound you make when you accidentally swallow one?

👟 My kids just drove past me. I’m sure they’re heading to the ice cream shop. I wish I was young again with a great metabolism.  (Remembers pictures of self as a chubby kid, teen, and beyond) Nevermind.

👟 If anyone tells you Handel’s Messiah isn’t good running/workout music, let them go. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. (However, I do think “All We Like Sheep” could totally rock a kickin’ base line.)

👟 Today, I ran up Jerkface Hill without dry heaving. (#Winning) I couldn’t feel my legs once I reached the top, but who really needs to feel their legs when they run…

👟 I shaved a minute off my running splits. I’ve narrowed down potential reasons why this happened:

  1. I’ve lost 15 pounds. Without the excess Truffle Shuffling, my energy can be put to better use.
  2. At mile 2.5, I really needed to pee.
  3. The family of gnats I consumed at mile 1 wasn’t enough to assuage my hunger, so I was hurrying home to partake of more pleasant sustenance.
  4. I’m awesome.
  5. All of the above.

Runner’s Log 8/7/2017: But I don’t want to…

Runner’s Log: 8/7/2017

👟Every time I convince myself to run, I hear my dad’s words: ” Sometimes you have to do things you just don’t want to do.” Of course, that was usually followed by “Because I said so…” or “so stop your whining and [insert dreaded chore here].”


👟Before you get to thinking he’s super wise, you should know that he always thought cutting and stacking wood was “fun”. [insert disgusted shudders here]

👟Great. Mother Nature has everything confused with her yo-yo weather patterns. Leaves are already starting to change colors.


👟If I could find Mother Nature, I would dump ice down her shirt, snap her in the back with her own bra strap, and tell her that her jeans make her butt look big.

👟For those of you who got to witness me skipping up the hill while singing along with The Rock on the Moana soundtrack, what can I say except, “you’re welcome.”

👟I thought you could only get a Charlie Horse in your calf. Apparently, it can happen in your thigh. It hurts worse though. I think I will call it a Sam Stallion. Sounds studlier. [insert pun groan here]

👟Why do we call our overlaps “love handles”? Does anyone actually love them? If someone actually used them as handles, I for one would punch them in the face. I call mine “anger anchors” because they are heavy, are very attached to me, seem to drag me down, and make me pretty mad. Makes sense to me.

👟On today’s running playlist: Moana soundtrack, Metallica, Run DMC, Tone Loc, Rob Base, AC/DC, and Sia. Absolutely nonsensically sensical. [Say that five times fast]

👟More than one person has told me to drink a serving of chocolate milk after a run or workout. A serving of chocolate milk has as many grams of sugar as a serving of Coca-Cola. Does that mean that Coca-Cola is also an approved after-run/workout-drink?




Runner’s Log: All Guts, No Glory.

Runner’s Log 6/7/2017

👟  Me two years ago, “I’m going run so I can be healthy and lose weight.”

👟 Me now, ” Well, I’ve already eaten half the bag of animal crackers, I might as well finish it off.”

👟 You don’t know fear until the moment when you’re 1.5 miles from home, surrounded by forest, and you smell skunk VERY strongly.

👟 Dear Mr. Chipmunk,

I’m so very sorry for almost stepping on you and then almost kicking you. You ran out in front of me and I thought you were a skunk – a very tiny chipmunk-looking skunk.



👟 Oh. Would you look at that. It’s the return of elbow-crease-sweat.

👟 To the couple from Iowa who happened to drive by while I was dance/running to “It Takes Two” by Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, the evening’s entertainment was on me. You’re welcome. P.S. Now, whenever I hear that song, Ryan Reynolds’s rendition is floating in the background. Name that movie.

👟 I am now running through a fog of dandelion fluff. I can practically hear my allergies say, “Party tonight! We’re not stopping until the all air flow is plugged and eyes have reached full-itchyness capacity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

👟 Finally out of the fluffy fog. Deep inhale for some air. Nevermind. Not out of it yet as I am currently choking on dandelion fluff.

👟 You know what’s worse than choking on dandelion fluff? Coughing, sucking in air, inhaling a bug, and having another bug smash itself on your face. I immediately thought, “Well, he won’t have the guts to do that again.” And then I laughed the rest of the way home.


Runner’s Log: Spit Happens

Runner’s Log 5/29/2017

👟 First time running outside since being attacked by the scourge of mosquitos. The treadmill is getting boring.

👟 I showered in bug spray, so hopefully things go a bit better this time around. (I also kissed a horseshoe, crossed my fingers, wished on a fallen eyelash, and said a prayer. One can never be too cautious.)

👟  Good news! It’s windy, so that should keep the bugs away.

👟 Never mind. Apparently, black gnats and Mayflies (I think that’s what they were) like the wind.

👟  Reminder #1 – don’t mouth breathe when there are bugs flying around.

👟 Reminder #2 – don’t spit against the wind. I know this one should be obvious, but I have the tendency to forget common sense things while trying to expunge insects from mouth and teeth.


👟 How many grams of protein do you suppose black gnats count for?

👟 Reminder #3 – don’t pick out a wedgie until AFTER you’ve looked to see if anyone is around. Side note: sorry, person weeding your garden. I didn’t see you there.

👟  Hmmm…it just got windier and darker. Those clouds look a little bit ominous…and oddly familiar.

👟  “The Nothing is coming!” That’s what they look like. (What movie is that from? Answer it correctly and we can be friends forever. Answer incorrectly and you’re on friendship probation.)

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👟  This wind is ridiculous. I feel like Al Roker during that hurricane where the camera dude had to hold onto his legs to keep him from flying away.

👟 I made it home safe and bite-free. However, my bug spray shower (and possibly help from the combination of the horseshoe, crossed fingers, eyelash, and prayer) turned me into a human version of a bug zapper.

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👟  I suppose the gleaming white of my legs acted as a tractor beam. Don’t be jealous. You know you wish you glowed in the dark too.


Runner’s log: An Introspection

Runner’s Log 5/16/2017

👟 When I was younger and grabbed the just cooked pan of mac n cheese and carried it to the living room so I wouldn’t miss the tv show that was playing and set the pan on the carpet thereby melting a circle in the carpet – not the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.

👟 When it was sooooooo hot in the AZ summers that I would swim/wade in the irrigated fields with dead frogs bloated and floating by – not the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.

👟 When I was in college and ate a full size bag of Funyuns and a liter of Hawaiian Punch – still not the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.

👟 Deciding to run home from the school and take the Mountain Bay trail (in order to avoid the devil dog that resides on the road close to my house) on a hot, humid day after rain – THAT was the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.

Let me break it down:

👟 I wanted to get my run in but needed to avoid the vicious hellhound who attacked me last time.

👟 A friend told me she takes the Mountain Bay trail all the time and it’s beautiful.

👟 A half mile into the trail (1.5-2 miles into my run) I discovered my fear of wild animals was unnecessary.

👟 Swarms…flocks…herds…PLAGUE of mosquitoes attacked me. There was nothing else to do but RUN FASTER. Sidenote: A group of mosquitoes is in fact aptly named a “scourge”.

👟 The whole time all I could think was “Arizona wouldn’t do this to me.”

👟 I could see the light at the end of the trail signifying the connection to the road but I just couldn’t get to it. Light at the end of the tunnel. Pfft. I call BS on the hope that brings.

👟 Mosquitoes got so bad I picked up a fallen pine tree branch and fanned my back while I ran. Sidenote: It’s times like these that make me wonder if I am, in fact, a cartoon.

👟 I FINALLY got off the trail and made excellent time getting home. Once there I had my daughter look at my shoulders, back, and back of my legs. Her hissing intake of breath said everything that needed to be said. Shoulders? Covered in bites. Back of my legs (including cheeks – you know which ones)? Covered in bites. I now resemble Quasimodo’s cousin.

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👟 The truly unfair thing about all of this is that I didn’t lose any weight from all the blood loss.

👟 P.S. Please don’t feel the need to tell me to use bug spray next time because:

A. Duh.

C. I don’t think there is a bug spray strong enough to protect anyone from that scourge – maybe an bug zapper suit…

5. There’s not going to be a next time.